Brian cuts across the lawn toward us. His sunlit smile makes me want to run and hide. My knees buckle a fraction. I quickly right myself and stand tall. How can a cursory glance make me feel like hitting the pavement?

  Before he reaches us, he makes a stop at his car. I can’t tell what he’s doing. He might be pushing things around.

  A dark, smoky grey Toyota with a missing hubcap pulls up in front of us. Crystal bounds out of the car with a guy driving who looks sketchy at best. His hair is unkempt and he has a full beard and mustache, but doesn’t look like he could be her father.

  “Thanks for the ride, douche. Go home,” she yells, before slamming the door.

  Stacey and I exchange looks of amusement. Crystal bounces over to us on her toes. She’s cleaned up her look. Her makeup is even and subtle, and doesn’t look like she’s a cross between raccoon and emo. Her clothes are not wrinkled, and she wears a plum top and white jeans.

  “What’s up, ladies?” she says, skipping over to us.

  “Hey,” we say in unison.

  “Thanks for the invite, Laurie,” Crystal says.

  “What did you call her?” Stacey asks before I can explain.

  Crystal smiles like she’s been told she won the lottery. “I have this thing where I make up names for people. I use movie character names. Elizabeth here is Laurie Strode.”

  Stacey giggles lightly. I don’t think she likes the name for me. “Wow, okay. Well, can’t wait for you to make up my name.”

  “I already have,” Crystal responds. “It’s Scarlett O’Hara.”

  I smirk but don’t say anything. Stacey says nothing, but she arches her brows as if she might approve the name. Brian finishes digging around his car and walks over to us.

  “Hello, ladies,” he says, walking up.

  “Stacey, Crystal, this is Brian.” I’m introducing them officially even though they all know one another from the halls at school. I have a sudden quiver in my abdominal area. Stacey might not like him. Brian’s easy to talk with, and funny, and he’s been keeping my secrets well. I want them to like each other more than I can put into words.

  “So, you’re the hot guy I keep hearing about,” Stacey says. I shake my head. Of course, she’d start the conversation like this.

  “Well, hot is subjective, unless it was Liz that said it.” Stacey laughs. I tilt my head, trying to understand the hidden meaning behind what he says. He glances around. “So, it’s just going to be the four of us?”

  “No. My boyfriend just left work and has to go home to grab a red shirt.” Stacey looks down at her cell. “Actually, we can just meet him there. I hate to miss the previews.” She unlocks her phone and runs her fingers over the keys quickly. “I told him to meet us there.”

  “Let’s go.” I stride behind Stacey to her car. She stops abruptly and I bump right into her.

  “What are you doing?” she whispers. “Go ride with him.” I turn, and Brian is standing in the spot we were in a second ago. He’s watching us. Crystal stands beside Stacey and me.

  “You don’t want me to ride with you?” I ask. Why would she not want me to ride with her?

  “Hon, go ride with Brian. Crystal and I can make our way there without you. Trust me, please.” I shrug. Maybe she wants alone time with Crystal to figure her out. Or she’s giving me alone time with Brian.

  I walk right past him and traipse to the passenger side of his car. “Apparently, I’ve been kicked from my best friend’s car. She may need a girly moment. Crystal might be better suited for that, since I can’t help with those.”

  I scurry into the car and buckle up. Once he’s in and backing out of his driveway, he asks, “Why can’t you help?”

  “What?”

  “You said you can’t help with girly moments. Why? You seem girly to me.” He lets Stacey go around him and he follows close behind.

  My hands start to sweat, and my heart rate picks up at least thirty-five percent. I know these physical manifestations mean I’m anxious, but I’m not entirely sure why. “Girls make me nervous.”

  “Girls make you nervous,” he repeats my words slowly. “Oh, shit.” He laughs into the steering wheel and shakes his head. “I get it. It’s always the beautiful ones.”

  “You get what?” I ask.

  “You’re a lesbian.”

  My mouth falls open, but I right myself quickly. “What? No, I’m not. I mean… I don’t think I am.” We’re stopped at a light and he peers at me. Should I have a ready answer for questions like this? I’ve never been asked before, or even contemplated my sexuality.

  “You don’t know if you’re a lesbian, but girls make you nervous.” He says the words slowly, as if I’ll be unable to comprehend them at his normal pace of speaking.

  “I’ve never been attracted to girls.” Maybe you have, and your mother’s insistence on a guy derailed the other feelings. I shake my head. Wouldn’t I know this instinctively?

  The light turns green, and he continues to follow Stacey to the theatre. Neither of us say anything for a minute. I glance at him and he appears deep in thought. Does he really think I’m a lesbian? Maybe the operative question should be, do I think I’m a lesbian? The sad truth is, I don’t know. I’m attracted to him. Should I tell him that, though? Does finding someone irresistible automatically rule out an attraction for someone else?

  He pulls his car in a few spots from Stacey’s at the theatre. The parking lot is packed. There are two new movies opening that at least half the school will be at. When I scamper from the car, Crystal is already out of Stacey’s car and walking toward the theatre. She motions to her phone, rolls her eyes, and stomps off. Her conversation seems heated as she raises her voice every few seconds.

  I start around Brian’s car and head toward Stacey. “Where are you going?” he asks.

  I point toward Stacey’s car. “Stacey.”

  “You might want to give them a moment.” I glance over and Michael is with Stacey, and they’re doing their favorite thing. Sucking face. Do all couples kiss this much? I usually just interrupt them. They’re cool about it.

  Brian hurries to my side and snakes his arm through mine. “Come on, let’s give them a minute.”

  I turn around to Stacey. She has her head thrown back and Michael has his face in her neck. I shrug.

  “So, maybe we should see if you’re a lesbian or not?”

  Chapter 15

  “How are we going to do that?” We walk to the front of the theatre, and Crystal is engrossed in her heated conversation still. A long line to buy tickets greets us as we march up and there are only two girls behind the ticket booth.

  “Sorry about that,” Crystal says, traipsing over to us. “My mom is a real piece of work. The only time she closes her mouth is when she’s sleeping. I live with Mommy Dearest and a deranged Loki…”

  I don’t know what to say in response to that. Brian rescues me.

  “We’re on a mission.”

  “Okay, I’m in. What’re we doing?” Crystal responds. I smile over at her. She’s always game for something, I suspect.

  “We’re trying to find out if Liz is a lesbian.”

  “What? Do you think you are?” she asks. Her face is crimson, and her eyes are wider than the saucers my Noona used with her good china. She looks like she might be sick. I should tell her I’m not attracted to her, but her face is so comical, I’m going to wait a minute. Let her sweat a little.

  She glances at me, then Brian, like she needs clarification. “I don’t know if I am, but it’s okay. If I am, I’m not attracted to you.” Brian laughs, and Crystal puckers her lips like she might be upset. Just a minute ago, she looked horrified at the thought. Maybe I said something wrong, of course, I’m not sure.

  “I didn’t mean that in an insulting way. I don’t think I’ve ever been attracted to any girls.”

  “So what makes you think you’re gay?”

  I point to Brian. “It’s something she said in the car,” he says. He doesn’t explain any further.

  “What do you think about the girl at the ticket booth?” he asks. I lean around a big guy in a Warriors jersey in front of me to peer at her. She’s brunette with long hair and a pug nose. “She’s pretty, I guess.”

  “Okay, so maybe you just don’t like brunettes,” Brian says.

  “And blondes,” Crystal adds. I smirk at her.

  “What about the booth next to the brunette? What do you think about her?”

  I glance at this new girl. She’s black with a caramel complexion, and her eyes are so light they look chartreuse. “She’s beautiful,” I say without thinking.

  Brian makes a noise with the back of his throat, like I just confirmed something. I glance up at him. “She is beautiful. The other girl was, too, but everyone has a type,” he says.

  I laugh. “I don’t think I’m gay,” I say.

  “I hope not,” says Crystal. “I mean, if you are, it’s cool. Just a lot of added pressure, I think.” She shrugs and picks at her nails. I frown over at her. What does that mean?

  “Have you ever thought about kissing a girl?” Brian asks.

  “Have you ever thought about kissing a guy?” Crystal asks him.

  “Once,” he admits. “I missed my best friend like crazy when we moved some years back. I thought about what it was going to be like when I saw him again, and I pictured us running up to each other and kissing. Then I thought kissing would be gross. We’d clap each other on the back and fist bump. That was the beginning and end of my thoughts on kissing dudes.”

  “Dude, the fact that you admitted that…” Crystal shakes her head. “You’re alright.”

  “I’ve never thought about kissing anyone,” I confess. At the age of seventeen, I probably shouldn’t have revealed that.

  “Now you’re just making up shit,” Crystal says. She and Brian laugh, but I don’t join in on the laughter. “Oh. You’re for real.”

  Stacey and Michael hop in line behind us. “Hey, let’s sit all the way in the back,” Stacey says.

  “I’m Brian.” Brian thrusts his hand out to Michael.

  “What’s up? I’m Mike.”

  “Hey, Mike,” Crystal says. “We have P.E. with Coach Percy together.”

  “Yeah, I saw you wrestle that chick, Diana. You’re good.”

  “Thank you. You may call me Baby Hercules, if you’d like,” Crystal says. Everyone laughs but me.

  Stacey leans around Michael. “He has to work with his dad tomorrow on some big audit thing. Can we go to Lake Isabella tonight? The stars are perfectly aligned.” Stacey asks.

  “I don’t mind. What about you, Brian, Crystal?” I ask.

  “I’m good.” They both say at the same time.

  It’s our turn to purchase tickets. “My treat,” Brian says beside me and pays the brunette for his ticket and mine. I inspect her close up. She has a full bottom lip and large, round slate, almost translucent eyes. I continue to study her, even when she turns and looks at me.

  Brian laughs beside me. “Come on, let’s go.”

  I turn and look at the brunette again. She’s looking at me as we walk away, but I don’t feel anything when I look at either of them. But they are both pretty.

  We head straight for the concession stands. I can’t watch a movie without popcorn and a Pepsi. Brian leans into me and whispers, “You should take Stacey to the bathroom and kiss her.”

  “What?” I screech.

  “Shh. Just do it.” He’s laughing like he might be teasing, but his words don’t sound like he’s joking.

  “No. I’m not kissing my best friend.”

  “Just try it. How will you know if you don’t test it?”

  Crystal steps in line behind us. “Brian, I hear this movie is super scary. Maybe you can creep over to Liz’s house and sleep with her tonight if you get scared.”

  My face scrunches. Why would she say that? “Brian isn’t going to get scared. He loves horror movies, too.” Stacey and Michael are in line now, too, and everyone turns and smirks in the opposite direction at my comment. I know I’ve said something wrong or funny, and I can’t make a distinction which way. I shrug and order my popcorn and Pepsi.

  Once we’re seated, Stacey and Michael curl themselves around each other. Do I want to do that, too? With Stacey? No. I’ve never had that desire with her.

  “We’ll be right back,” Stacey says, skipping down the aisle toward the exit. Michael follows her.

  “You’re right. You can’t kiss Stacey,” Brian says. “She’s too invested in her relationship with Michael, and you don’t want to ruin your friendship with her with those kind of feelings.”

  “I’m sure I don’t have those type of feeling for her anyway.” I say, and he nods.

  “Well, you should kiss someone. See if you like it,” Crystal says. “We need an answer to this question, pronto.” Why is it important to them who I like anyway?

  “I can’t kiss someone I don’t know.”

  “True.” Brian’s quiet for a moment. “So, I’ll do it. I’ll kiss you,” he says.

  Chapter 16

  He grabs my face between his hands and stares into my eyes.

  “What?” It’s like someone has punched me in the gut and I can’t catch my breath.

  “Don’t think about it. We’ll just do it quick.” His jaw tightens and he runs his hands through his hair.

  “But—”

  His lips crash down to mine and the world spins upside down. Everything is quiet—even my nonsensical head, for once. The kiss is quick, a peck, but the earth is moving too fast when he pulls back.

  “Did you feel anything?” I swallow hard, not sure what to say. Should I tell him I feel all kinds of things when I’m near him?

  “You didn’t do it long enough,” Crystal says.

  Before I can tell him it was fine, he grabs my chin. Drawing my mouth toward his, he stops just as our lips are about to touch. He stares deep into my eyes. The words I plan to say are shoved behind my desire for his lips on mine again. His eyes scan down my face but come back to my lips. “Breathe. Relax. Don’t overthink this.”

  His voice drops half an octave, and the vibration rolls against my skin, sending shivers up my spine. My eyes slip shut and his lips wrap around mine. I inhale his citrus scent. His hand travels to the back of my head, drawing me in closer; my body liquefies at his touch. His other hand rests on the small of my back. This kiss is slow and deep; all the muscles in my body clench. A moan slithers up my throat and begs for release, but I shove the sensation away.

  His tongue slips into my mouth.

  What the heck? I push against his chest. He lures me back and keeps kissing me—tongue and all.

  I’m not sure about this. I don’t know if I like this.

  Until I taste the chocolate-covered raisins he’s been eating. It’s the most delicious flavor, mixed with him. I stop resisting and allow his lips and tongue to awaken me. When we pull back, I have to catch my breath. He says nothing for a few seconds, and neither do I. Just as I’m about to articulate how much I enjoyed the kiss, Stacey and Michael scramble past us to their seats. I rub a finger across my lips.

  “How was that?” Brian whispers.

  I nod. “I don’t think I’m gay.” Brian shakes his head and keeps staring like he’s waiting for more information. “It was… okay.” I’m not sure what else to add. Or even if I should state more.

  Crystal leans into me and says, “If that had lasted any longer, I might have had to call the fire department. That shit was hot.” I squirm in my seat, trying to collect my thoughts but they seem to have escaped me at the moment.

  Brian stares for a few more seconds, then sits back in his seat.

  It was probably wrong to kiss Brian, since I have these feelings for him already. Was I being dishonest? I don’t want Stacey to know what I’ve been up to. I doubt she’d approve. I push myself back and look straight ahead. All around me, my friends converse but I keep my mouth closed. Every few seconds, I run a finger over my lips. His lips set me ablaze.

  “Liz, what’s wrong with you?” Stacey asks.

  “Uh, what… nothing… just wondering what was taking so long. They’ve played enough of these commercials.”

  I don’t know why I can’t stop replaying the kiss.

  I don’t know why I can’t get my heart to stop roaring in my ears.

  I don’t know why I want to run my fingers across my lips, again.

  I do know, however, I’m definitely not a lesbian.

  Brian delivered my very first kiss, and it was awkward… and perfect.

  Chapter 17

  Three months after Brian’s arrival, he consumes most of my thoughts. I can’t say for certain, but I have the suspicion that his faux kiss stopped my data filtering. I don’t do it anymore. I’m on the edge of my emotions, close enough that they leave an impression, but still far away enough that they don’t control me.

  His pool is a frequent hangout of mine. We’re competitive, and will race for any reason—to see who eats the fastest, who completes homework first, and who can stay up longest. We binge-watched a series on Netflix one weekend. We drank massive amounts of coffee and Red Bull to get it done, and we camped out in his family room. Another time we went to get Norman Bates groomed, and he barked like Baby Cujo until Brian picked him up.

  Through all of our time together, however, we have not held each other romantically once. The consuming thoughts, the occasional soft touch, the exchange of a gaze that could melt a five-hundred-year-old glacier, all appease me for now—or I tell myself they do.

  Seated at our usual table in the northern part of the cafeteria, Stacey, Crystal, and I eat our lunch. I haven’t broached a discussion about my crush. Usually, Melissa Teague and Rachel Sanchez sit with us, but they’re both out sick today. Or skipping. Crystal is seated beside me. Stacey and I have grown to include her and her smart mouth in most of our daily habits—like lunch. She brings a refreshing perspective on most matters.

 

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